Choosing To Let Go
It was before my tenth birthday when, unfortunately, I first became a victim of predatory behavior. I will never forget the tremendous sensation of fear that almost paralyzed me as I faced what I never imagined would happen to me. Even though I was terrified then, I did what I could to stop the inappropriate behavior. I cried myself to sleep that night, falsely believing that I was no longer wholesome and that a part of me was forever tarnished, leaving me with an immediate feeling of being damaged. I mentally relived the experience repeatedly that night, unsuccessfully searching for why it had happened.
Unfortunately, from that day forward, I was bridled with feelings of anger, resentment, fear, shame, guilt, and inadequacy that would negatively impact the way I perceive myself and the world around me. One day, just a few years ago, while dealing with negative feelings of self-esteem and self-hatred, I was sitting with my best friend at breakfast. During our conversation, he sensed I was not in a good emotional state and asked why I was troubled. I responded with the phrase, "I am just a broken individual." I continued to share my resentment towards a previous employer, who had not treated me fairly for years. Still, most importantly, I explained my self-hatred for allowing his unfair treatment to take place for such a long time, affecting my well-being. I concluded by sharing how the different traumas I experienced during my childhood years left me with that feeling of brokenness and how I felt overwhelmed by them. My friend listened attentively and, after a while, with a great deal of compassion, asked a straightforward question; "when do you think you are going to be able to let go of the past?" he concluded with: "it hurts me to see you in pain by living in the past." I hate to admit it, but this was not the first time someone who loves me had urged me to let go of the past; however, something clicked at that moment. I got hit with a heavy conviction that every time I claimed vocally or mentally that I was broken, I was cementing that belief into myself; after all, we are what we think.
That conversation was a pivotal moment for me. I realized that repeating such negative phrases to myself and others kept me captive to my past. I realized it was time to take control of my thoughts and feelings. So, what would be the best way to begin? I went back to previous lessons learned and began with FORGIVENESS. Even though I had previously forgiven the individuals who hurt me, I started to comprehend that forgiveness was not a "one-and-done" thing. I needed to be patient and consistent with the process; whenever I felt resentment and anger due to those circumstances, I would need to walk through the steps of forgiveness again. I also realized that I needed to forgive myself as well. I know that sounds pretty weird, mainly because I was a victim. Through much reflection, I discovered I had misplaced feelings of self-blame and guilt. I needed to replace the irrationality of those feelings with forgiveness, compassion, and love toward my inner self.
The next step in my healing was to move into a place of ACCEPTANCE- I remember hearing a quote from Peter Crone that hit me to the core: "What happened, happened and couldn't have happened in any other way… because it didn't". It was time to accept my past and focus on ways to use it for good instead of resenting it. There was absolutely nothing I could have done to change my past. I would also never know why those experiences happened, so what was the point of holding onto them? Over time, I was able to connect the dots and learned how my experiences enabled me to connect and empathize with a broader range of people. I experienced a transformation in my life where God shifted my perspective from feeling like a victim to someone who can now help others who have been victimized in similar ways.
My final move (and continuous area of focus) was learning to live in a state of GRATITUDE. Looking back at my life, I recognize that it has not played out how I always thought it would. Since my younger years, I had a firm idea of how I envisioned my life, and I've resented the experiences and circumstances that led it in a different direction for a long time. However, when I began to stop being resentful for what happened to me, for what I have not achieved but expected to have, and for how certain relationships have played out, my life began to feel different. I started feeling grateful for what I had and began to appreciate the people in my life more. I became more present and experienced the blessings that each day brought (small and big), and instead of focusing on what I did not have, I concentrated on what God had provided. I began to recognize how prosperous and blessed my life is!
JC
Husband | Father | Founder at myTOD